Get Well Clarkie!

I finally feel like i am back in control of my own destiny for the first time in 6 months, ok 5 months as i still cant remember the 1st month. Nothing has really happened to make me feel like this so it’s kind of strange it happened, i know the last few days i was pretty down just thinking about the past 6 months and about what had happened. For some reason i woke up this morning with a different attitude, i just had more confidence in myself.

I felt a lot of guilt for everything i had put everyone through, i mean i didn’t hit the wall on purpose even if it was looking at me kind of funny, but for so long i just felt absolutely terrible for what i had put all my friends and family through. In some ways i will always feel guilty about that part of it, but i finally feel like i have been able to take control back of my life and i can move forward. Don’t get me wrong no one else was controlling my life but i just had a very passive attitude for far too long which as you all know is very unlike me.

I know things will still be quite hard for me back in Colorado as currently i have no job and no money, but i know i have some great friends there and that gives me a lot more confidence. Just over 9 years ago i got off a plane in Los Angeles with USD$1000 dollars in my pocket and a dream to make a living racing bikes and while it was a struggle, i achieved most of my dream and 9 years later i was still there. Sure i ended up riding into a wall and messing everything up but hey, now i just have a new dream and i intend to achieve it, it all starts with controlling my own destiny.

Everything else is going well, i am right back into the gym and now i am lifting more weights with my right leg and going for a walk/run every day. I have regained a lot of my lost motivation now so it is like full steam ahead again, i am running further and harder than before and it feels really good to have a lot of progress again. The other day i bought a heart rate monitor, i am kind of a geek and i definitely like seeing how my body reacts to things be it a 100 meter run or just a flight of stairs. Now i have another thing to focus on when trying to get fit and it has definitely renewed my determination get as fit as i can, i will definitely be continuing this when i get back home to Colorado and hopefully will end up being able to run a decent distance so i can go running with some friends.

Today was also great as i saw some people i haven’t seen in, well lets just say a very long time. I saw Colin Wickman and met his lovely wife and daughter today, Colin was more one of my sisters good friends at school but i got to know him quite well so it was great to catch up again. I had a huge surprise also today as i got to see my god mother Jackie again before she headed off to the UK. She and her family were always a big part of our lives growing up and it was great to see her again and the really great thing was that she actually understood me ok.

A lot of people sort of expect the worst when they see me again, i have had friends tell me they would stand outside my room when i was in rehab and be nervous as hell of actually coming in the room. Once they did they were pleasantly surprised with how much better i was doing than they thought and that trend has thankfully continued ever since.  The same thing happens when i talk to people on the phone as my voice can be quite hard to understand even though physically and mentally there is nothing really wrong with me. I have heard some ‘gossip’ from back home in Colorado that at first there were a few people going around saying they heard i was going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of my life which really sucks, but i actually really feel sorry for them that they are so close minded. I will admit that there was a lot up in the air about my outcome when i was first in hospital but i have done nothing but fight to get back to as normal as i can and it is just disappointing that some people would come to such a conclusion without having anything to do with my rehab. If anything this has motivated me more to prove how wrong they were for saying it.